Been a while since I posted, so I wanted to talk a bit about what grief means to me. They say there are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance - I think I could write quite a few more on that and some I'm yet to experience, welcome to my world!!!
Now, lets talk denial, yep its been nearly 20 months since I lost Trevor but I am still in times in denial, I dont think that will ever change, maybe its more in my case with him being in hospital for so long before he passed but days I still pick up the phone to send him a text, still call out to him at home, pretend that it hasnt happened, not so sure denial or wishful thinking, or maybe theyre the same thing!
Anger - well I could write a book on that one, I'm angry at everything and I mean everything, the slightest thing sends me into a fury, and I'm angry at myself for failing Trevor, angry at Trevor for not being able to hold on for me, for Ella, for himself, I'm angry at the world for daring to go on when I cant and some days just dont want to, EVERYTHING angers me.
Bargaining - not so much with me, I'm still in denial after all!
Depression - tough word, depression takes so many forms and means so many different things to each person, its individual, to say I have been depressed? I'd say its grief, its heart wrenching emotional roller coasters, every single day, waves to ride, anniversaries that tear your very soul out - too much, well you havent the slightest clue if you havent walked in my shoes, and I dont mean that to sound harsh, its the truth, everyone comments how well I am, how well I look, how well I am handling everything, well I will gladly swap, seriously take it, I dont want to feel like this, I want my life back, I want to wake up for one day and turn over and Trevor to be there, I dont want the empty space!
Acceptance - well f**k that, I dont think anyone can honestly say they ever accept the death of their loved one, not really, how can you.
So thats the "written" stages, well I'll tell you this, its crap, pure and simple. Life has passed by the last 20 months in a blur, I have buried my husband, moved house, Ella has started nursery and will be going to school in September, I've turned 40, we would have had two wedding anniversaries, birthdays, its life and I've simply gone with the flow. I wake up some mornings and I dont know where I am, literally! If I sleep its full of dreams, nonsense mainly and its light, I wake often. I can tell people still find it hard to know what to say to me so they act like its all normal, Trevor isnt mentioned by most, its expected that life must go on, I must find happiness, I must do this or do that, well why? I'm on auto-pilot and I dont know how to change that, so I'm sorry if I dont join in on all the "happy" stuff! Doesnt mean I need to be left out, try talking to me, its not contagious!
As for Ella, she is good and that in itself makes me as happy as I can be, shes an inspiration and her daddy would be so proud of her, it breaks my heart that hes not here to see her grow up and she talks about him often but what do you say to your 4 year old when she asks how her daddy died, it is absolutely not a question I felt ready to answer so I told her as much of a truth as I could, that daddy was sick and just couldnt get better.
So, its a bit of a mixed up, angry, self pity post, not really, its just how I feel right now and I think its good to just get it out!!!
