At some time during the early afternoon on Tuesday 9th August 2016 at aged 38 I became a widow. Everything I had known for the last 22 years disappeared. Life changed and not in a good way, it will never be the same again.
I think after losing someone grief takes over and it can show in so many different ways, each person is so different and I think thats about the only "normal" part of any of it really. I felt numb for the first few days, didnt sleep, didnt eat much, merely functioned. There was so much to organise and I went into a sort of auto-pilot mode, so much I dont remember and more that I dont want to. I had Ella to consider and I had to do what I needed to keep her safe, she was all I had left of Trevor. When the first thing your 3 year old daughter asks when she wakes if her daddy is still dead its kind of hard not to fall apart but I tried, I owed Trevor that much.
There were calls from the Coroner's Office, it wasnt a "normal" (theres that word again!) death, in suicide cases there has to be a Coroner's Report conducted, they had to authorise release of the body, give initial findings into cause of death, inform me that there would have to be an enquiry and they would advise when this was done but it would be a few months before I would know if there would be an Inquest and before I could register the death. All surreal conversations, auto-pilot mode engaged. Then there were the rubberneckers, we all know the type, those who slow down at accident scenes, nose around when something unusual has happened, well I got those too, they would drive by the house, slow down, point (yes!) and then turn around and drive away again. The first few visits to the shops were very similar, I mean what do you say to a woman who has just lost her husband, well it seems not much, you just look at her very quickly, look away and turn the other direction, dont you? I know its hard knowing what to say, I understand that and I know none of it was meant in any way to offend but it felt like it at that time!
Then there were the "youve got to get back to normal" comments. What exactly is normal anymore? I certainly didnt feel the same. And of course the "but youre lucky you have Ella", dont get me wrong, Ella is my lifeline, I dont hide the fact if I hadnt her things would be a lot different for me but "lucky" is not a word I could ever use. Its just something you say I know that but I didnt feel it then and still dont. I have lost my partner, that one person I relied upon and he isnt there anymore. I had a three year old growing up without her daddy and I was the person she was now relying upon, I wont lie, there were many an occasion when I didnt think I was going to be able to do it, and I still have them. The thing is on the outside someone may look like theyre coping, I have had so many comments about how well I am coping, how Trevor would be proud of me, well I know how I feel on the inside and to be honest until you have actually walked in my shoes you dont know at all. People stop asking how you feel after a while, its like youve had your five minutes, get on with it girl. At our last session with the mental health team the social worker commented about how she didnt know how I had managed to cope so well with handling work, Ella, going to the hospital every day to see Trevor etc etc and said she would "break me some day", a comment I know she very much regretted given what happened because yes I am just that, broken.
I threw myself into projects. Those of you who know me know there is one escape for me, beading. I started to make new pieces as soon as I felt I could actually hold a pair of pliers without crumbling. Two of my best friends sent me beads and in between the tears of the gesture I began to create again but even that was different. If I look back at pieces I made before Trevor died and after I can see a shift, I always put my heart into my work, always have but now my heart wasnt the same. I then started to rearrange rooms, decorate, do little things we had both intended to do but just never got around to. I craved the sense that he was still there, something people also said, that he would be watching over me but I never felt it. I looked for all those signs and never once found any. He is gone, physically anyhow, he never will leave me but he isnt there either.
There were all the "firsts", the first Christmas, the first Birthdays, the first Wedding Anniversary and the first year of losing him. None were easy. Time does not make things easier, all time does is go past. Make it further from the last time I saw him. When will it get easier? I dont know it ever will, I think the best I can hope for it that I learn to adapt. I dont cry as much anymore, not because I dont feel as sad but because I feel less emotional, more numb, robotic even. It hits in waves, times I still forget he isnt here anymore. That he is just in hospital, I pick up the phone to text him, I even shout on him at home, buy things in the shop that I know he eats, its funny how your brain is wired to hold onto little pieces of information and not let go.
People asked after he died if I would stay or move home. I was adamant I would stay, it was our home, where Ella was born, the only place we had been together but after a while it felt less like home and more just the place where he died. I couldnt walk in the drive without that vision of finding him, the smells, the sounds, it just ate me up in the end. Memories you can take with you, I will carry those 18 years we spent in our first home with me always but I needed to get away and at the end of August we moved into a new home and the old emotions and grief in a way began again. This was a new chapter but one that didnt include Trevor and that I have to say has been one of the hardest things. In a way I guess it feels like I am leaving him behind, like I have forgotten him but I havent, not for a second and I never will.
Life has dealt this tragic blow and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. My life has changed and like it or not it wont go back to how it was, everything will forever be "before" and "after" and it hurts like hell, there is not a single day that goes by that I dont wish things were different. I will forever feel like I could have done more for Trevor and will always blame myself in some way or other for his death. I cant help that. Ella is too young to have grasped what has happened, she knows her daddy is never coming back and I know I will have questions to answer when she is older. She talks about him and remembers him, I hope she always will and will do all I can to make sure she never forgets him. I will try and be as brave as I can and hide my emotions as best as I can, its how I function, how I get through every day.
Its now been 1 year, two months, and 14 days since my life changed and I miss him more now than ever.
Monday, 23 October 2017
Thursday, 12 October 2017
THE BLACK DOG
So, we all are fully aware of the stigma surrounding mental health, basically us humans function well at most things but for a lot when it comes to dealing with emotions basically we are crap, pure and simple and mental health issues are just not talked about, we should just be able to give ourselves a shake and get on with things, right?? Well not so true for a lot of people unfortunately, if it were that simple I wouldn't be where I am today.
For us it all started when out of tragic circumstances Trevor was left without his brother and mother within a three year period. I know a lot of people deal with death and have lost parents, partners, children, family etc etc, it happens yes but everyone deals with death differently and for Trevor it was the loss of his brother aged 38 to suicide and his mother three years later to breast cancer that was the trigger for his breakdown and his clinical depression.
The change came gradually, it wasn't something that just happened overnight, not like a switch turning on or off, it was little changes spread over time. After his brother died he sought out ways of understanding, that was the big thing with him, he just didn't understand how it could come to that and went looking for answers. In doing so he came across a lot of spiritual practices, some of which I am sure did help but unfortunately a lot did exactly the opposite. Now I am not knocking people's beliefs, far from it, but what you have to understand is that there are some people out there who can very easily manipulate someone in a vulnerable place and when Trevor underwent "spiritual counselling" that's what I believe happened. He went to a darker place, he became paranoid about things, me especially. I saw him change his whole outlook on life and his focus became on the past, the dead and the afterlife rather than the future and moving forward. He became stuck. This went on for a few years and times everything seemed normal enough and others, well not so normal.
By the time his mother died in 2010 things had been a bit more settled but her death hit Trevor hard, he was very close to his mother and I feared a repeat of the darkness he had been to but again there was a shift and this time it was the struggle to cope more than searching for answers.
In late 2011, early 2012 the depression had taken a firm hold. For Trevor though he couldn't accept the fact that he was depressed, he viewed his feelings as him being lazy and he searched for ways out of it by throwing himself into projects, trying to keep himself as busy as he could but you cant mask it, if its there then there really is no escape. He started to attend his GP for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it is a good treatment but unfortunately Trevor's illness was too progressed for it to help him at that time, a few years earlier maybe but not then at that point. Anti-depressants were prescribed but unfortunately he deteriorated further and the GP was worried about his low mood and we were referred to the Crisis Team, I took leave from work to be there with him every day. Some nights he slept, some he didn't. He always felt worse in the mornings, very low after waking up and he talked about taking his life on a daily basis. His medication was changed time and again but it just wasn't helping so in March of 2012 we agreed to undergo ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) which fortunately he was able to do as an outpatient. He had this treatment twice a week for 6 weeks, 12 sessions in total. I went with him every time, saw him being taken down on the bed, waited on him coming back out half hour later teary and emotional. It was heartbreaking knowing what was happening to him but we were desperate and would have tried anything at that stage. Half way through the treatment he said he didn't feel it was helping but by the end of the course he really was a different person. I could see so much of "the old him" back. Things were finally looking like they were improving after so long. He could accept (partly) that he suffered from depression and was looking forward, no thoughts of life not worth living, no intentions to end his life, he was looking to the future.
Slowly things started to settle down again and I was able to go back to work full time. Ella was born in July 2013, we were planning to build our own home, Trevor was starting to get himself back into living again and the future looked a lot brighter for us. Then in late 2015, early 2016 his mood just dipped again. It was heart wrenching to watch it happen again. This time it happened quicker, I wouldn't say instant but a lot quicker, he saw the Crisis Team again early March and was admitted to hospital on 22nd. I wanted to be able to care for him again at home but with Ella now in the mix too there were more things to consider and both he and the Doctors felt he would be better in hospital. After a couple of weeks they began ECT treatments again, he had 11 sessions in total, there was an improvement but they just didn't have the same effect as the first time. He was released home after 7 weeks but was only home for a few days when he was readmitted, he just couldn't cope, he had suicidal thoughts again and he just wanted us to get on with our lives and leave him in hospital for the rest of his life, we'd be better off, in his words and opinion.
After a couple of weeks he was due to be released home again when he self harmed, in hospital. His medication was again changed and he was prescribed Lithium. After 5 weeks he was ready for home, yes he was not near his "normal" self but as close as we had seen in a long time, he wanted home, he felt so isolated in hospital and we both felt it was detrimental to his recovery, the Dr agreed and he was allowed home. To me he really was improving, he realised he had a long journey but he wanted so desperately to get better and move on. One of the major problems for Trevor was that medication had no effect, it didn't matter what they tried, it made no difference to his mood. The Doctors and Mental Health Team all acknowledged this and accepted that a different course of treatment would be needed for Trevor and we had been waiting on a referral for counselling as Trevor responded better to this form of treatment than actual medication. Unfortunately the referral letter hadnt even come through by the time he died.
So thats basically Trevor's story with his depression, shortened down from 10 years into a few paragraphs. For me the worst thing was watching it happen and not be able to do anything about it. Once we got past the stage that I wasnt "messing with his head" and trying to kill him (I kid you not!) then he did talk to me about how he felt. By 10 or 11 each morning you could rest assured I'd have had at least 3 texts or calls because mornings were hard for him. To the outside he was ok, yes those who were close to him knew of his struggle to cope with the deaths and he would become very emotional about talking about them but I dont think anyone realised just how bad it was, just by looking at him. Albeit he did during the last phase of his illness loss a lot of weight and really didnt look like "my" Trevor, but he was still in there, I'm only sorry I couldnt bring him back to us x
This post has been a longer one and I hope some of you managed to get to this point, thanks again for bearing with me, youve all been such a great support.
So, we all are fully aware of the stigma surrounding mental health, basically us humans function well at most things but for a lot when it comes to dealing with emotions basically we are crap, pure and simple and mental health issues are just not talked about, we should just be able to give ourselves a shake and get on with things, right?? Well not so true for a lot of people unfortunately, if it were that simple I wouldn't be where I am today.
For us it all started when out of tragic circumstances Trevor was left without his brother and mother within a three year period. I know a lot of people deal with death and have lost parents, partners, children, family etc etc, it happens yes but everyone deals with death differently and for Trevor it was the loss of his brother aged 38 to suicide and his mother three years later to breast cancer that was the trigger for his breakdown and his clinical depression.
The change came gradually, it wasn't something that just happened overnight, not like a switch turning on or off, it was little changes spread over time. After his brother died he sought out ways of understanding, that was the big thing with him, he just didn't understand how it could come to that and went looking for answers. In doing so he came across a lot of spiritual practices, some of which I am sure did help but unfortunately a lot did exactly the opposite. Now I am not knocking people's beliefs, far from it, but what you have to understand is that there are some people out there who can very easily manipulate someone in a vulnerable place and when Trevor underwent "spiritual counselling" that's what I believe happened. He went to a darker place, he became paranoid about things, me especially. I saw him change his whole outlook on life and his focus became on the past, the dead and the afterlife rather than the future and moving forward. He became stuck. This went on for a few years and times everything seemed normal enough and others, well not so normal.
By the time his mother died in 2010 things had been a bit more settled but her death hit Trevor hard, he was very close to his mother and I feared a repeat of the darkness he had been to but again there was a shift and this time it was the struggle to cope more than searching for answers.
In late 2011, early 2012 the depression had taken a firm hold. For Trevor though he couldn't accept the fact that he was depressed, he viewed his feelings as him being lazy and he searched for ways out of it by throwing himself into projects, trying to keep himself as busy as he could but you cant mask it, if its there then there really is no escape. He started to attend his GP for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it is a good treatment but unfortunately Trevor's illness was too progressed for it to help him at that time, a few years earlier maybe but not then at that point. Anti-depressants were prescribed but unfortunately he deteriorated further and the GP was worried about his low mood and we were referred to the Crisis Team, I took leave from work to be there with him every day. Some nights he slept, some he didn't. He always felt worse in the mornings, very low after waking up and he talked about taking his life on a daily basis. His medication was changed time and again but it just wasn't helping so in March of 2012 we agreed to undergo ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) which fortunately he was able to do as an outpatient. He had this treatment twice a week for 6 weeks, 12 sessions in total. I went with him every time, saw him being taken down on the bed, waited on him coming back out half hour later teary and emotional. It was heartbreaking knowing what was happening to him but we were desperate and would have tried anything at that stage. Half way through the treatment he said he didn't feel it was helping but by the end of the course he really was a different person. I could see so much of "the old him" back. Things were finally looking like they were improving after so long. He could accept (partly) that he suffered from depression and was looking forward, no thoughts of life not worth living, no intentions to end his life, he was looking to the future.
Slowly things started to settle down again and I was able to go back to work full time. Ella was born in July 2013, we were planning to build our own home, Trevor was starting to get himself back into living again and the future looked a lot brighter for us. Then in late 2015, early 2016 his mood just dipped again. It was heart wrenching to watch it happen again. This time it happened quicker, I wouldn't say instant but a lot quicker, he saw the Crisis Team again early March and was admitted to hospital on 22nd. I wanted to be able to care for him again at home but with Ella now in the mix too there were more things to consider and both he and the Doctors felt he would be better in hospital. After a couple of weeks they began ECT treatments again, he had 11 sessions in total, there was an improvement but they just didn't have the same effect as the first time. He was released home after 7 weeks but was only home for a few days when he was readmitted, he just couldn't cope, he had suicidal thoughts again and he just wanted us to get on with our lives and leave him in hospital for the rest of his life, we'd be better off, in his words and opinion.
After a couple of weeks he was due to be released home again when he self harmed, in hospital. His medication was again changed and he was prescribed Lithium. After 5 weeks he was ready for home, yes he was not near his "normal" self but as close as we had seen in a long time, he wanted home, he felt so isolated in hospital and we both felt it was detrimental to his recovery, the Dr agreed and he was allowed home. To me he really was improving, he realised he had a long journey but he wanted so desperately to get better and move on. One of the major problems for Trevor was that medication had no effect, it didn't matter what they tried, it made no difference to his mood. The Doctors and Mental Health Team all acknowledged this and accepted that a different course of treatment would be needed for Trevor and we had been waiting on a referral for counselling as Trevor responded better to this form of treatment than actual medication. Unfortunately the referral letter hadnt even come through by the time he died.
So thats basically Trevor's story with his depression, shortened down from 10 years into a few paragraphs. For me the worst thing was watching it happen and not be able to do anything about it. Once we got past the stage that I wasnt "messing with his head" and trying to kill him (I kid you not!) then he did talk to me about how he felt. By 10 or 11 each morning you could rest assured I'd have had at least 3 texts or calls because mornings were hard for him. To the outside he was ok, yes those who were close to him knew of his struggle to cope with the deaths and he would become very emotional about talking about them but I dont think anyone realised just how bad it was, just by looking at him. Albeit he did during the last phase of his illness loss a lot of weight and really didnt look like "my" Trevor, but he was still in there, I'm only sorry I couldnt bring him back to us x
This post has been a longer one and I hope some of you managed to get to this point, thanks again for bearing with me, youve all been such a great support.
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