At some time during the early afternoon on Tuesday 9th August 2016 at aged 38 I became a widow. Everything I had known for the last 22 years disappeared. Life changed and not in a good way, it will never be the same again.
I think after losing someone grief takes over and it can show in so many different ways, each person is so different and I think thats about the only "normal" part of any of it really. I felt numb for the first few days, didnt sleep, didnt eat much, merely functioned. There was so much to organise and I went into a sort of auto-pilot mode, so much I dont remember and more that I dont want to. I had Ella to consider and I had to do what I needed to keep her safe, she was all I had left of Trevor. When the first thing your 3 year old daughter asks when she wakes if her daddy is still dead its kind of hard not to fall apart but I tried, I owed Trevor that much.
There were calls from the Coroner's Office, it wasnt a "normal" (theres that word again!) death, in suicide cases there has to be a Coroner's Report conducted, they had to authorise release of the body, give initial findings into cause of death, inform me that there would have to be an enquiry and they would advise when this was done but it would be a few months before I would know if there would be an Inquest and before I could register the death. All surreal conversations, auto-pilot mode engaged. Then there were the rubberneckers, we all know the type, those who slow down at accident scenes, nose around when something unusual has happened, well I got those too, they would drive by the house, slow down, point (yes!) and then turn around and drive away again. The first few visits to the shops were very similar, I mean what do you say to a woman who has just lost her husband, well it seems not much, you just look at her very quickly, look away and turn the other direction, dont you? I know its hard knowing what to say, I understand that and I know none of it was meant in any way to offend but it felt like it at that time!
Then there were the "youve got to get back to normal" comments. What exactly is normal anymore? I certainly didnt feel the same. And of course the "but youre lucky you have Ella", dont get me wrong, Ella is my lifeline, I dont hide the fact if I hadnt her things would be a lot different for me but "lucky" is not a word I could ever use. Its just something you say I know that but I didnt feel it then and still dont. I have lost my partner, that one person I relied upon and he isnt there anymore. I had a three year old growing up without her daddy and I was the person she was now relying upon, I wont lie, there were many an occasion when I didnt think I was going to be able to do it, and I still have them. The thing is on the outside someone may look like theyre coping, I have had so many comments about how well I am coping, how Trevor would be proud of me, well I know how I feel on the inside and to be honest until you have actually walked in my shoes you dont know at all. People stop asking how you feel after a while, its like youve had your five minutes, get on with it girl. At our last session with the mental health team the social worker commented about how she didnt know how I had managed to cope so well with handling work, Ella, going to the hospital every day to see Trevor etc etc and said she would "break me some day", a comment I know she very much regretted given what happened because yes I am just that, broken.
I threw myself into projects. Those of you who know me know there is one escape for me, beading. I started to make new pieces as soon as I felt I could actually hold a pair of pliers without crumbling. Two of my best friends sent me beads and in between the tears of the gesture I began to create again but even that was different. If I look back at pieces I made before Trevor died and after I can see a shift, I always put my heart into my work, always have but now my heart wasnt the same. I then started to rearrange rooms, decorate, do little things we had both intended to do but just never got around to. I craved the sense that he was still there, something people also said, that he would be watching over me but I never felt it. I looked for all those signs and never once found any. He is gone, physically anyhow, he never will leave me but he isnt there either.
There were all the "firsts", the first Christmas, the first Birthdays, the first Wedding Anniversary and the first year of losing him. None were easy. Time does not make things easier, all time does is go past. Make it further from the last time I saw him. When will it get easier? I dont know it ever will, I think the best I can hope for it that I learn to adapt. I dont cry as much anymore, not because I dont feel as sad but because I feel less emotional, more numb, robotic even. It hits in waves, times I still forget he isnt here anymore. That he is just in hospital, I pick up the phone to text him, I even shout on him at home, buy things in the shop that I know he eats, its funny how your brain is wired to hold onto little pieces of information and not let go.
People asked after he died if I would stay or move home. I was adamant I would stay, it was our home, where Ella was born, the only place we had been together but after a while it felt less like home and more just the place where he died. I couldnt walk in the drive without that vision of finding him, the smells, the sounds, it just ate me up in the end. Memories you can take with you, I will carry those 18 years we spent in our first home with me always but I needed to get away and at the end of August we moved into a new home and the old emotions and grief in a way began again. This was a new chapter but one that didnt include Trevor and that I have to say has been one of the hardest things. In a way I guess it feels like I am leaving him behind, like I have forgotten him but I havent, not for a second and I never will.
Life has dealt this tragic blow and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. My life has changed and like it or not it wont go back to how it was, everything will forever be "before" and "after" and it hurts like hell, there is not a single day that goes by that I dont wish things were different. I will forever feel like I could have done more for Trevor and will always blame myself in some way or other for his death. I cant help that. Ella is too young to have grasped what has happened, she knows her daddy is never coming back and I know I will have questions to answer when she is older. She talks about him and remembers him, I hope she always will and will do all I can to make sure she never forgets him. I will try and be as brave as I can and hide my emotions as best as I can, its how I function, how I get through every day.
Its now been 1 year, two months, and 14 days since my life changed and I miss him more now than ever.
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