Lets Begin ..

Lets begin with an introduction shall we?

The reasons for me starting this blog?  Well, on 9th August 2016 my world shattered in pieces when I lost my husband.  I was 38 and he was only 42.  We had been married for 12 years and had a three year old daughter.  We had been together for 22 years.  

It was the most horrific day of my life, plain and simple, cant put it any other way and the days, weeks, months that passed didnt get much easier, life goes on yes but its not the same and never will be.

"The day of" passed and a new day dawned.  With it brought the first day after with the first question my daughter asking me was "is daddy still dead".  How do you answer this?  Why should you have to be faced with this question in the first place?  What did I do to deserve to be in this position?   I didnt have the answer and still dont.  It was all still such a blur, did it really happen, will he just walk in as if nothing happened, I hoped so, still do even a year on, crazy isnt it!

Next came the funeral arrangements, what????   Really??  Who had died???  Well I felt like it was me.  Picking out clothes for my husband to wear in his coffin - unreal, unfair, shouldnt be happening, but it was and it had to be done.  Flowers for the funeral, readings for the service, arrangements for the funeral director.  The sudden fleeting realisation I am a widow, this is not changing, this is real, only for it to pass again, sure its not real, its all some sort of mix-up, cant be happening.

Two days on and the funeral - how on earth am I supposed to do this, please dont make me do this.  I cant remember much about it, the funeral home, seeing the coffin, not real, seeing him physically for the last time, he didnt really look real, sitting through the service hearing his name read out, still not happening, seeing the coffin being lowered into the ground and covered over, I really dont have the words, you cant prepare yourself for this, I crumbled, quite literally.  The rest of the day passed in a total haze, I shook hands with people I knew and loved, people I didnt particularly like and total strangers, wondering all the while why they were there.

The empty house came next, people came and went and with them went a little bit of reality.  What was I to do now?  Soon I'd be on my own with our daughter, just the two of us and life would carry on.  Everyone had an opinion but basically it was all going to "take time", "time would heal", "get yourself back to normal", what was normal anymore, this sure as hell was not what I'd call normal.

What makes me any different from anyone else who has lost their partner, or anyone close for that matter?  Well nothing really.  We all deal with things differently, this is just my story of how I did and how I felt.  If this in any way helps one person well its been worth it and if it doesnt, its still worth it because I tried.

On 9th August 2016 I lost my husband .... to suicide, I found him at home, I was aged 38, he was 42, we were a family, we had a three year old daughter.