The Day Of

So, how did that day start out?  Well, normally like any other Tuesday, a mad dash around in the morning to get me up and dressed, Ella up and dressed and us both out to drop Ella at childminders and me into work, relatively on time!

We had a routine, I'd get dressed, get Ella's clothes all ready while Trevor made and gave her breakfast.  Nothing different noted.  We left the house a bit late, as usual, me running around panicking, Ella popped in car, kiss goodbye, love you, see you later, ring me any problems etc etc.  Off we went and little did I know that would be the last time I'd see him alive.  If I had known would I have done anything different?  You bloody bet I would have, I wouldnt have left for a start!  Were there any indications, little changes that I could see, no, absolutely nothing.  I have went over and over and over again that morning and there was just nothing.

Text message at 09.45am "you dont fancy any fish this evening", I replied yes that would be nice, reply at 10.16am "what type ordinary white or cod", I replied any type would be grand, that was the last contact.  I tried to call him in the afternoon as he had an appointment with the local Mental Health Community unit at 1pm, no answer.  Wasnt unusual because of poor signal so I had no reason to suspect anything.  I picked Ella up, got home at around 5.55pm, pulled in the driveway as usual, noticed his van parked a little strangely and said to Ella "what has your daddy gone and bought now!", went inside the house and he wasnt there.  Went upstairs, shouted on him, nothing.  Tried to call the mobile and next thought was that he had gone for a cycle, he would do that often, straight to voicemail.  This was the point when something in me clicked, I cant explain it but I had that sinking feeling something wasnt right.  I told Ella to stay in the house, I'd check the garage, nothing, phew was my thought.  But where could he be?  Talking to someone somewhere probably, he could out talk any woman any day!

That was when I looked in the van, I think it was more for clues what he had been doing, I never expected to find him.  I really cant put into words what it felt like when I opened that door, only that I will have that image in my head as long as I live, it doesnt fade, doesnt get easier, doesnt go away, it will be with me forever, without a doubt.  The next half hour or so was a blur, I rang emergency services, answered their questions, I think!, went to pieces, called family, calmed Ella down as best I could, waited for ambulance to arrive.  All the time I thought he'd be ok, I know that sounds absolutely absurd but I did.  Ambulance arrived, no flashing lights, just an ambulance paramedic in car, he'd sort him out I reckoned.  But there would be no quick fix, or long one for that.  He was gone, I'd never talk to him again, never see his smile, nothing!  This was it.

After that the police arrived, detectives, more police, statements taken, questions asked, had to wait for the coroner to arrive, had to formally identify "the body", coroner arrived and then I had to say goodbye.  I remember saying to the coroner, "he's cold, keep him warm", I kissed him and told him I was sorry I let him down and his last journey from the home we had shared for 18 years began.

I cant describe how I felt at this point, numb comes close.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  What were we going to do, how were we going to get through this??  My husband, my partner, my right arm, was gone, I should have been able to save him and I didnt.  I still feel a little like this and I guess I always will.  We all know the stigma around suicides, the statistics, especially among men, its talked about but its not really understood, its like we ignore mental health issues because they wont happen to us, well they do, every day, right now someone out there is contemplating taking their own life and that is just a fact, a very very sad fact but its true nonetheless.  

Why am I writing all this?  What do I want to achieve from it?  I dont know, I just know that I need to.  I am sorry if this is hard to read and I understand if you think that I shouldnt but if you do read this then know that I appreciate it, its another person remembering, thats all I ask for.

If you do want to leave a comment then do, even if you dont know what to say, just an "x", let me know you are there.